MLM Script and MLM Software

Am I a good writer, can you rate my novel's chapter> Thankx!?

The nightclub was the Blue Velvet. It was noisy and hot and Callie was thinking how the sweat made her look hot. The heat of the Atlanta last night made it even hotter inside. Bruce didn't like the Blue Velvet because it was full of old people who thought it was still a cool place only it wasn't any more. He did think Callie looked hot. "Hey, do you want to dance?" he said. "Sure." Bruce wasn't hot and thought if he tired Callie out he might get a better deal on the merging companies. Callie thinks Bruce is studly looking, and she liked to dance anyway, so she said yes. They danced for a long time. Until she says she was tired and could they sit down at a table. Now she felt really tired but was sure the sweat made her look really hot to Bruce. She smoothed her glossy black tresses. "You didn't put any drugs in this drink, did you?" she said. She thought Bruce might try to take advantage of her to get a better deal on the merger. "Speaking of the merger," Bruce asked, "what did you want to do about that?" He has to shout over the noise of the band. The band was a retro 80's punk rock band. They were a local group and looked like high school boys. Callie thought one of them looked pretty hunky, but not as hunky as Bruce. "I think it's a good idea." She whispered, "what couples a million?" Bruce decided he should think about it and said, "I'm going to have to think about it." "Did you want more?" "Well, sure, of course I want more. Why would I want less?" He really thought he could get a lot more. He wasn't thinking just about that one kind of merger, either. "It's pretty warm in here, maybe later we could go somewhere quieter and talk about the details." "Like what kind of details?" "Like who will run the merged company for one thing." "I sort of thought I would and you'd be my second in command." "I think we'll have to talk about that. But I think we should dance some more right now." They danced for a long time. While they were dancing Bruce asked Callie about her husband. "Did you wear him out dancing like this?" "You mean like dance so much until he had a heart attack or something?" "Yeah." "No." Bruce laughed. "I almost died once." "I heard about that. I did a lot of research on you before I agreed our companies should merge." "It was a car crash." "You seem pretty well recovered." "I have some pretty nasty scars though. I was 16 and I run the car into a pole." "I'll have to see them sometime." "Maybe later, if we go somewhere quieter to talk about the merger." She spills her drink all over him. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I guess we'll have to go now." "No, it's ok. I can dry it off with these napkins." He wiped at his shirt. He was starting to get hot and it kind of made he feels cooler in a way. Besides he wasn't ready to talk about details of the merger yet. He wanted to make sure Callie was more tireder first. "See that all dry?" he said. "By the way, I think it's pretty cool what your company does. Transatlantic shipping is pretty interesting." "Yes it will be good to be merged with your software company. I know you make a lot of money with your Internet multi-level-marketing software. With the money you make from all those people sending you money and from my shipping, we'll be able to take trips all over the world all the time." Besides, she thought he was pretty studly and if it didn't work out after a while they could un merge their companies too. "You're older than a lot of the women I talk to," he said, and he meant it. "My husband said the opposite thing when he was alive. He said I was younger than the people his age. But I learned a lot from him about running business. Nobody thought I could run it after he died, but I showed them." Bruce thinks she has a pretty good body for someone her age. She was probably the same age as his mother only his mother wasn't very good looking like Callie. She had a voluptuous body even if she wasn't twice as old as I. "Well it's getting late isn't it? Do you think we should stop dancing now and talk about business?" She really wanted to get the big deal finished tonight and not have to involve all the lawyers. "I don't know." Bruce wasn't sure if she was tired enough. Since she was older, she was probably wiser. Even though he was well-to-do himself from his software company, she was twice his age and had probably learned a lot more about business than he did so he has to be careful of any tricks she might pull. "Are you pretty tired? We could go back to my place." "It's pretty hot in here." She said. "Then let's have another drink. Since you spilled that one before you didn't get to finish it." *Facepalm!* ktnxbye

Public Comments

1. Wow. No, this needs alot of editing. Maybe try writing in your native language. Why did Bruce have to shout and Callie could whisper?? I could go on and on.
2. I found it incredibly boring and couldn't even finish it. Let me list a few reasons why. If the place is so uncool, why are Callie and Bruce there? They sound like losers unless there's a specific reason why that place was chosen. If so, let the readers in on the reason--e.g. owned by one of their friends. What merging companies? Who are these characters? If they have the power to merge their companies (either as representatives or family-owned), they can't be that young themselves. Why the continued emphasis on hot and sweaty? Sounds as though Bruce is more interested in getting Callie's clothes off. Sentence with Atlanta last night doesn't make sense. Why does Callie whisper and Bruce shout? If she's imparting important or personal information she might whisper. If so, Bruce would need to lean in to hear her. Can you take constructive criticism or will you delete your question?